Wow our journey to get you healed up from co-dependency is taking a lot longer than we thought huh? All those years I spent blocking you out and letting the hearts of others lead me really took their toll. I’m sure you thought that when my body got involved too and I kept falling down with seizures I might have started listening to you. I’m so sorry I didn’t. I felt ashamed and took it as more reason to shut you up. I didn’t realise the path to healing would require listening to you and how you felt. And I was even more surprised to notice that the more I invested in you, the more my body would heal too.
And so our process continues – of me learning to live from the inside-out, with you at the centre. I’m not going to lie, it was easier before when I was in denial. It wasn’t better, but it was easier! I used to squeeze a seat at tables by leaving you behind. It’s been difficult to discover that if I bring you along, I don’t get to sit at certain tables anymore. But I choose you now. I won’t abandon you any longer just to try and avoid any rejection and anger from others.
We’re in a wilderness kind of season at the moment, aren’t we? With no targets to reach and no easy option to go back to living outside-in, getting validation by making other people happy. It’s uncomfortable. But good. It’s better that I get to learn to have compassion for you. It’s healthier that I have to learn to validate you. I choose to give you increasing space to be you. To feel what you need to feel and to be where you’re at. I will keep practising taking the pressure off you. I heard you leap heart when I read this verse yesterday:
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2
I spent so long heart trying to force you to be good, pleasing and perfect. I spent so long trying to conform you to what I thought others wanted. But I realise now that’s not your job. So I’ll keep practising renewing my mind so that you have the freedom that Jesus paid for: to be uniquely you.
I’m committed to you and to our healing. And I’m proud of us. Bob Jones said the one question God will ask us when we stand before Him is “Did you learn to love?”. I remember this often and know that despite everything that’s had to break in the process of learning to hear you, this is something has been built at the same time: love. For you and myself.
Emma lives in Dorset with her husband Rupert. She homes schools her 2 boys and enjoys walking through the local countryside and looking after her chickens. She has written ‘There are Two Words in Breakthrough’ and recently released a free short book on Google Books: ‘Arise and Shine – Live free from conformity.’
You can find more from Emma on her website Turning Hearts.
Hello down there. It’s been a while since we last talked. I’m sorry about that, I hope you’ll forgive me and that tonight, we can finally process together.
I’ve missed you lately. I’ve missed the tiny flutters when you feel excited, the rush of blood that flows around and makes you feel hot and bothered when you feel nervous. All I’ve had to remind me that you’re still beating is a crushing, tight feeling when you feel overwhelmed, then I remember you’re still with me. That I’m not all alone in this body.
I’m sorry that you’ve been overlooked a lot this year. I’m sorry that 2019 didn’t bring you all that you truly desired. And I’m sorry for shutting you down instead of listening and grieving with you when you felt disappointed. Perhaps that’s why I’m feeling such distance between us now.
I’m sorry that I haven’t allowed you to feel everything you needed to, and that in turn, you don’t respond to things as vividly as you used to. I’m sorry that you don’t always feel like you fit in here and that I silence you when I should be listening instead. You were created before me and I often forget that you’re my most sensitive part and it’s not okay that I’ve believed the lie of thinking that you’re my weakness instead of my most valuable strength.
You are the holder of dreams and vision and I want us to work together. You have so many facets and valves and places I’ve not even dared to discover, but I promise that from now, I will choose to look fear in the face and hear you beat even louder, trusting that you are held by someone who’s more careful, more precise and more protective than I am, knowing that I’m not my own protector, because my heart is in the hands of the one who created it. My heart contains a small glimpse of it’s creator and it deserves to be celebrated.
Dear heart, I commend you. For being so brave, so soft, even after all these tough years, you are still so open and brave. You are so kind, you are so free and I promise that this year, I’ll allow you to be.
Thank you for guiding me. For leading me into safe shores where I can thrive and rest, thank you precious heart, for always knowing best.
Love, your multi-faceted, still healing, mind.
Bekah is an encourager and lover of people. She has a heart to worship and chase down her destiny.
You can follow her journey on Instagram
I love the way you carry others
I love the way you carry on
I love the tender, soft and squishy-
Your refusal to be hardened, cause
You were made to love, dear heart
You were simply made to love.
You are my eternal piece,
You’re what makes me proud of me.
You are pure and you’re unique.
I trust you to take the lead.
You have permission to feel it all, dear heart, and to simply LOVE.
“So above all, guard the affections of your heart, for they affect all that you are. Pay attention to the welfare of your innermost being, for from there flows the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23
Bethany Hardy is a creative encourager from Toronto, Canadian. She works for Nottinghamshire women’s aid. As a leader in church, she is passionate about seeing people come into a deeply personal relationship with Jesus. She adores her two daughters, Adelaide & Scarlett, and husband Mark. She values the big picture, the childlike, and her fave colour is red.
How far we’ve come, these last few years.
The journey, though sweet, has been filled with tears.
Laughter too and hard work besides
But so worth it to know you, and watch you arise.
Like a worn out teddy, to you I would cling
For life had taught me to protect and defend.
No one would hurt you, if I did not share.
So tight I would resist another’s care.
Then he came, my father and friend
And showed me so gently you are worth more than this, to him.
Gently he waited and proved himself safe
Until cautiously I let him carry you
His hands tender, full of grace.
Later, opening wide the door, to him I invited
Showed him around this home we painstakingly crafted
With joy he took it in, even the cellar with it’s boxes;
the dark spaces that held fears, doubts and hidden losses.
Together we lifted those boxes from their darkness,
opened the lids, and dealt with the contents.
Perhaps there will always be some boxes in you somewhere
but no longer hidden, the light expels all fear.
Now we hang out in your garden, my heart.
Tending and keeping and enjoying each part.
He does not seem to see the mess, but smiles
At all your growth, potential, beauty wild.
So today and forever I vow to stay
outstretched, door flung wide, cultivating each day.
I choose to tend to you, to give you room to grow,
never to lock down or withhold you
But let your beauty show.
I’m excited for our future, to one day give you to another
But always I offer you wholeheartedly to my brother,
My beautiful friend, defender and keeper.
He knows you so well and cherishes you deeper.
In his eyes I see the reason why
Why vulnerability is not weakness
Love is not shy
He lived openhearted, loved with passion, no holding back.
You are worth his life, his all, no lack.
You can follow Lydia’s Eco journey over on Instagram
It’s been a while since we really talked. I’m sorry I’ve not shown you the love and affection you deserve.
You have been through so much over the years. You have been beaten and bruised by others and by me. I should have been kinder, I’m sorry for taking my hurt and frustration out on you.
You are strong. You have given pieces of yourself to others so selflessly and sometimes they have not been treasured the way that they should. That must have really hurt you, but you carry on. You keep trying.
I know you felt broken when you walked through the grief of baby loss, you felt torn and raw, you longed to stay connected. I think you are so brave and I love that you have a special place to hold all the memories of those dearest to you.
I’m sorry for the times that I’ve shut you in and tried to protect you. I thought I was doing the right thing but I see now that you need to feel, even when it hurts. Its who you are. I promise not to shut you down again.
You are free to be you, to create and to just be. I love you heart, just as you are. Beautifully you. You bear scars of your past but they make you interesting and unique. You beat with a rhythm that is in time with your maker. The love you pour out into me is so rich and sweet.
I love that we can work together instead of against each other. We have come so far and I wouldn’t want to do this without you.
Thinking of you,
I am Beki, founder of Believe in ME. An identity journey full of heart and connection.