Hopelessness floods my heart…
I feel the pull like a powerful magnet pulling me in, although it’s far off I feel it’s strength. I have learnt to become more aware of that sensation because if I don’t put blocks in place to cut off the force pulling me in at this point, it sucks me in too fast.
Without the blocks of gratitude and worship I find myself spiralling downwards no longer having the strength to turn around and say no to the darkness. I grapple to hold onto something, anything, but it’s harder to see the darker it gets and before I know it I’m lost in the bleak nothingness. I’m starting to lose a sense of who I am and where I am and what I’m even here for.
I notice the occasional flicker of light which I run towards, sometimes I catch it and sometimes I don’t. I feel nothing. No longer wanting to be here but also not wanting to leave, I’m losing the strength to peel back the darkness or to chase the light anymore. I’m stuck. Hopelessness floods my heart and as each day goes by I die a little inside.
I can’t escape…
Hands are thrusting through the darkness, they reach around and try to grab me. I reach back and sometimes catch hold. I feel myself being pulled upwards, feeling lighter as I go but then they let go or I lose my grip and I’m alone again. Sometimes I’m high enough and strong enough to pull myself away from that unending downward pull, I can make out handholds on the wall. Sometimes I’m too tired to try and I slowly start to sink back down into the abyss.
This is not how I want to live my life but I don’t feel I have a choice, I can’t escape as much as I try, I feel alone and misunderstood. People try to fix me and explain away my feelings but it hurts all the more.
Hope is revived…
There is only one person who has been strong enough to join me in the darkness, his name is Jesus. He sits with me, expecting nothing, but being everything. His love and patience gives me the strength I need to stand. He says nothing but he gives me a foothold to start climbing. He knows I can’t process words yet, I just need to feel loved.
The loneliness slowly begins to fade. I climb alongside my companion who blocks the magnetic pull. My strength grows and he begins to whisper truth to my heart. Hope is revived and I begin to see colour again. As the feelings come back, I feel overwhelmed by emotion but he never leaves through the tears, anger and frustration he doesn’t reject me. He holds me and allows me to feel, in a safe space, there is no judgement in his arms. I feel myself being lifted higher and higher out of the pit of despair and I have my fight back, my determination not to be sucked back down.
I have been rescued.